How Chris Cooley could have actually been funny…

What does Broke Back Mountain and Dallas have in common?

They both have Cowboy’s that suck!

When I was told this joke I laughed until I damn-near cried.  While an obvious affront to my beloved Cowboy’s, I couldn’t help but think that joke was hilarious; especially considering I was told this joke shortly after the final game of the 2008 season.  While I realize some of you reading this right now might not think this is all that funny, I relate this to you just to show that despite my dedication to the Cowboy’s, I do have a sense of humor.

But last night as I watched the infamous Chris Cooley mocking of Jason Witten and Tony Romo video for the first time, not only did I not think it was funny, but I was embarrassed; and not for Tony or Jason, but for Cooley and whom every wisely disguised himself as he attempted to portray Romo.   I seriously would be reluctant to show my face in public, where I to be a part of something so unbelievably not funny.  And I can certainly see why Romo or Witten wouldn’t in the least bit be upset by this feeble attempt at comedy.  There is an old wise adage that warns to be careful of arguing with idiots, as bystanders may not be able to tell whose more of an idiot:  the guy who is obviously the idiot, or the semi-intelligent guy trying to debate with an idiot.  So please don’t be one of those Cowboy fan’s who feels you must voice or tweet or text or write to express your disgust of Cooley.  If anything, you should pity him.

You see, what Cooley and company don’t seem to understand is there is actually a formula that must be adhered to in order to make something funny.  Not that I’d ever agree to do anything like this, but for argument sake in the following I’m going to assume the role as director for the revised version of said skit and see if I, a Cowboy fan, can actually turn that train-wreck Cooley calls comedy into something actually worthy of national attention.

First, the voice-impersonation done by Cooley.  Atrocious.  And the sad thing is, it’s not really that hard to do Witten.  Witten kind of sounds like Dauber Dybinski from the 1980-1990 sitcom Coach.  Not a difficult voice to, at least, mimic.  Perhaps Cooley could have even thrown in a reference to the movie adaptation of The Stand by Steven King, and have Witten say “M-O-O-N spells Romo!”  It needs work, but you get the idea.

Next, his look.  A real simple site gag would be to take a piece of tape and try and create a cleft on his upper lip.  Yeah, I know, not a very classy thing to do, but again, if the video is going to be offensive anyway and your audience are Redskin fans, there are few lines not worthy of crossing.  He could have also, at least, done something more to create the likeness of Witten, but perhaps I’m asking a little much there.

Now on to the dialogue and plot.  In Cooley’s version, Witten can’t seem to catch the balls thrown by Romo.  Were this even remotely an issue in real life, perhaps I could see the humor in it.  In fact, had Cooley portrayed T.O. instead of Witten, I might have even chuckled a little, since T.O. is known for having a case of the dropsy’s.

No, if you are going to make fun of Witten, you clearly would have to go big and maybe even suggest that Romo and Witten’s relationship extends beyond just friendship.  Perhaps they could be writing up there own plays in bed, writing X’s and O’s on the sheet’s.  Perhaps Witten could make reference to Jessica finally being out of the way so there love can blossom.  Again, I know, very offensive and probably not remotely funny to those reading this right now, but this is not about me wanting to make fun of my team.  This is about me trying to school an idiot on how to be funny, just for future reference.

The masked crusader who attempted to do Romo, should at some point in the video get a hang-nail on his throwing hand and say he needs to recoup for two or three game’s, while he recovers from his injury.  Furthermore, he need not be such a wuss, if he actually thinks he’s funny and try doing this video minus the mask.  I mean, how does that make sense?  What is it referencing to?  That is a big part of the comedic formula.  People need to be able to relate in order to get the joke.

I read through the comment’s made on Cooley’s website and there were actually people who thought this video was hilarious.  See, I personally would likely never admit that I have actually sat through the movie Idiocracy, even if for the lack of anything better being on TV, but having seen it, seeing these comment’s scared the hell out of me for my 6 month old son.  I mean, am I that guy, who merely by procreating messed up the curve for all the stupid people breeding.  Couldn’t the world recognize now a potential issue and force Cooley to have a vasectomy?

Given that he actually submitted the video for the entire nation to see, one could surmise he is in the early stages of devolution (or backward evolution).  I’m not saying women should worry about his courting ritual involving him hitting them over the head with a club and dragging them back to his cave, but were I woman, I would be worried about any children who call Cooley daddy adopting this mating-method.  And for those of you who might be married or related to someone who actually thought this was funny, you might want to visit a specialist and quickly get yourself checked out.  I’m not sure if it’s contagious, but if reading is starting to become a chore, simple math is not so simple, and your motor skills are becoming limited you are displaying the early signs of stupidity.  If you are one of those who actually found Cooley’s video funny, it’s too late.